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        Home > Absolutely > Absolutely Characters

        Absolutely Characters / Sketches
        A page detailing some of the many characters featured in Absolutely, See if you remember any.

        Absolutely Characters
        I have listed these in an order such that the most memorable or popular characters are at the top. There were hundreds of different characters played out by the cast over the five years, there were lots of regular ones, some of which were in all episodes. If you only managed to catch a couple of episodes of Absolutely then its probably the ones at the top that you will remember best.
        Just click on a thumbnail below to see several large screengrabs of that character in action.

        Little Girl
        Played by Morwenna Banks.
        This was a little girl who wore a red dress, grey cardigan, red tights with a hole in the knee and an Alice band. Normally she would be filmed sitting on a chair or table edge, high up as though she were being viewed by an adult. She used to describe things in a very funny manner. She would always start off with things such as "Yes, I do know what happens when you go to the Dentist".
        She would then go on to describe in a child like manner what happens at the dentist, suggesting very strange things like "He tells you to open your mouth wide so he can get in and have an adventure"
        Morwenna’s Little Girl character was outstanding, you never quite knew what she was going to say, Featured in all four series of the show, She has to be one of the best known characters of Absolutely certainly one of my all-time favourites. Morwenna's Little Girl was also featured thirteen times in The Morwenna Banks Show on Channel 5.

        The "Little Girl" character played by Morwenna Banks is like the character performed by Lily Tomlin in "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In" from the 1960s.

        Character quote:
        "Yes I do know what happens when you go to school, first you do go into a place what looks like a hosdibul but with no beds and it does smell of oranges and wee, then when you are not looking your mum does run away"

        Stoneybridge Councillors
        Played by all the cast and featured Maigret, Wully, Bruce, Ek, Erch, Boaby and Gordy. This collection of people were basically trying to promote the Scottish town of Stoneybridge. This is probably one of the most remembered items in the series, If you remember anything from Absolutely then it will probably be this.

        Character quote:
        "Stoneybridge has facilities and.......facilities, So come to Stoneybridge !"

        Old man – Bert Bastard
        Played by John Sparkes.
        This was my favourite characters, It was a bit cruel really but very funny. Bert was an old bloke that lived on his own. He was always in a dirty grey dressing gown and a pair of grubby pyjama’s. He had a Zimmer frame and used to have a lot of problems such as making a cup of tea. He was mainly seen in his kitchen, but also the supermarket, old peoples home, sports field and even a great journey on a mobility scooter on the motorway!

        Character quote:
        "It's the over eighties disco tonight, The ladies love me, I usually end's up getting off with them by falling on them" He likes to say "Arse" and "Bugger" a lot.

        The Nice family
        Father played by Jack Docherty
        This was a 'perfect' family, They all used to wear beige cardigans, ties, white shirts and Duffle coats. You never saw mothers face, only a rear view with her pinafore as she washed the pots or did some dusting. When ever there was some family disaster such as the daughter forgetting to log a unit of electricity she had used mother would drop a plate on the kitchen drainer which would spin in ever decreasing circles until it came to rest.
        The four children’s names were never revealed, there were referred to as Daughter, twin 1, twin 2 and Eldest.

        Character quote:
        "Well I notice that the decaffeinated coffee for the 5:30 pre-breakfast decaffeinated coffee break is almost ready"

        Calum Gilhooley
        Played by Moray Hunter.
        This was hell of an annoying character but he was put into some interesting situations. He always wore a blue anorak and carried a carrier bag (for balance), He even wore the anorak while on the operating theatre bed!
        His main trait was that he used to over-describe things in his life to the point where at one point someone sold him his house to him for £10 just to get away from him.
        Calum loves Hats, Honda motorbikes and shopping trolleys.
        He often gets actors names and film titles mixed up.
        His long suffering friend is called John, who seems unable to shake him off despite trying his best to get shot of him, even at one point running to the end of the world to get away.
        One sketch featured Michael Grade (controller of Channel 4 at the time) and some of his colleagues being shown around the set.

        This character came about when three of the cast shared a flat in Polwarth, Edinburgh in the 80's. someone used to visit who liked motorbikes and never took of his anorak, and so Calum was born!

        Frank Hovis
        Played by John Sparkes.
        This was a very disgusting man who was always 'on the lavatory'. Filmed in a horrid dirty toilet cubical, with no toilet roll in it. He used to describe his life, which almost always used to involve toilet humour. He had a serious phlegm problem.

        Character quote:
        "Lets just say I ordered number two on the menu and I got what I ordered, Hot and steamy. I would have told the chef where to stick it only I think that's where it had come from!"

        Don and George
        Played by Jack Docherty and Moray Hunter
        These were a couple of men that shared a flat together, George Mc Diarmid had glasses but with one of the lens frames turned vertical. They used to discuss odd subjects, Their 'flat' did not have a lot of furniture in it, and it was littered with slogans such as "NO WASPS" & "Back to Falkirk".

        They had a mirror above the fireplace that was faulty in that it kept showing reflections of its previous owners. They had a brush with the law when they were caught speeding in Don's new car which was in the living room. They travelled at 1/2 mile an hour in a 3/8th Mile an hour speed zone.

        Character quote:
        "I could give you a medical, There is a history of doctoring in my family, All of us have been to the doctor at some point., So you can give me a medical then? I can give you a medical now!”

        Denzil and Gwenedd
        DIY Denzil and his wife Gweneth were classic characters. Both Welsh, they lived in a home filled with things that Denzil had made using his DIY 'skills'. Denzil always wore a brown smock and a tie, Gweneth normally wore a brown pinie and a yellow hair net. At one point she got stuck in the Hoover.

        Character quote:"What in Swansea are going on here, I only mended that sofa this morning and here you are sitting on it”

        The Wellses
        Jennifer and Peter Wells played by Morwenna Banks and Jack Docherty.
        They were a middle class couple, normally filmed in their living room or kitchen, they were very much into things such as adopting foreign children or trying to get political prisoners set free. Their plans would normally start out ok but after a phone call there plans became totally flawed by the end of the sketch.

        Character quote:
        Jennifer writes a letter to a prisoner who’s name she got from Amnesty “Dear Mr Mpfuto. How are you? We are fine, thank you. It looks like Peter’s going to get his promotion. What sort of records do you like? Our current favourites are “Gracelands” by Paul Simon, Johnny Clegg and his Sambucca.” Peter says “Oh, well done Jennifer. He’ll be out by Monday”

        Played by Jack Docherty. This mad looking ‘Scotsman on a mission’ wore a beret and had lots of wild hair poking out around it. He had an obsession with Scotland, and hated the English. He was determined to put things right through the plays he wrote. His long-suffering literary agent McMinn would be presented with plays with titles such as ‘The Hurly Burly Bag’ and ‘Nip Nap Shite’

        Character quote:
        “And if you put your hand into the Hurley Burley bag it would give you special powers, He gets one wish and he gets to go on sports night and stoat Jimmy Hill on the head and go Take that! You big-chinned English B*****d!”

        Naughty kids
        Played by Morwenna Banks and Gordon Kennedy.
        Initially this started as just Billy in series 3, He used to be stuck in his bedroom and go on about taking drugs and things like that. In the later episodes he was joined by his friend played by Gorden Kennedy, they used to think up money making schemes but then decide to stick a banger up a cats arse instead.

        Character quote:
        "Let's go up the Ospical or we could stick a banger up a cats bum,......Banger..."

        Man with a twitch
        Played by John Sparkes.
        This Welsh man was on several times, He had a nervous twitch and half, At one stage he was using a cut throat razor!

        Character quote:
        "Wad a you lookin at man, Hope you don't mind me touching you, I like touching people"

        Lady Camilla
        Played by Morwenna Banks.
        This was a loony woman called Lady Camilla that wanted to learn how to get on with the upper classes and how to act like 'a lady'. She attended deportment classes to learn how to walk correctly. She was only featured once, in Series 4 episode 3.

        Character quote:
        "And that's considered classy is it, walking around with a book on your head and a pencil stuck up your arse?", “Does this apply to getting out of a balloon?”

        Posh Couple
        Played by Gordon Kennedy & Morwenna Banks.
        These two were a very strange couple, they used to pronounce things in the wrong way and do very bizarre things.
        Security Desk man
        He manned the security desk at an Airport, He seemed to think he was in a submarine and used to describe directions using whistles and daft hand motions.

        Character quote:
        "Security desk Ssssswweweeeeee speaking,Security has been breached by a gang of.......... BASTARDS. Returning to deep surveillance mode......Dive..Dive..Dive.....(siren sound)"

        Shop keeper and School Boy
        The school boy played by Morwenna Banks, used to cause mischief to the local shop keeper, both in his shop and also when the shop keeper was relaxing.
        Even though the boy used to be a right pain to the shop keeper, he always used to say "sorry" at the end of the clip.

        Character quote:
        "How much is one of them?, plus one, and one of those, how much are Cola-cubes, plus three of them, how much is that, how much is two of those and four of them, How much is Crisps,…..Bye”

        Laughing Man (Zorba)
        This character only appeared in four episodes (series 4) yet is well remembered by fans.
        He used to laugh at the very things in life that are not actually funny. Such as the T-shirt statements, Novelty Car stickers etc. The laughing used to get so bad that he would fall backwards onto the floor.

        Character quote:
        Singing - "Oh I was driving into town one day as fast as I could go, I stopped at some traffic lights behind a mini Metro. I looked into the back window and there was a sign and I laughed until I broke my jaw cause this is what I saw, it said My other car is a porche. Ha Haa Haa Ha Haa etc"

        The following info thanks to Mark Boyle:
        He was called Zorba - discovered this when The Hairstyles (the Absolutely spinoff band) played King Tuts Wah Wah Hut in Glasgow (would you believe there was only a crowd of about 40?!??!) and he
        was introduced to us all before showing off his "My Friends Went To Torrimolinos & All They Got Me Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-Shirt (there was also a hilarious impression of Dean Martin doing "Little Old Wine Drinker Me" by Gordon Kennedy with appropriate imbibbling from a bottle of Thunderbird - by the third verse he was reduced to snarling "Whaaaaugh, ya f**kers!" into the mic before being thrown off by the rest of the band!).


        Tour Guide
        Played by Morwenna Banks, This character appeared in series 2 3 and 4.
        Annabel and John
        These characters appeared in Series 1 and 2
        Frank Fan Club
        This character only appeared series 2 episode 5
        The Slobs
        This character only appeared series 1 episode 5
        Office Workers
        These characters only appeared in series 4 episode 2
        The Surgeons
        These characters only appeared Series 4
        The Strange Clothes Shop
        This character only appeared Series 1 episode 5

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