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        ABSOLUTELY - EPISODE GUIDES
        An episode Guide to all 28 episodes of Absolutely, giving details of each sketch in each show.
        Also includes sketch guide for the two official video releases Absolutely "the Vido" & Number 2.

        Sketch details for each episode of Absolutely
        I have tried to describe each sketch using terms that I think you will remember. If you are not sure about a character then use my Absolutely Character Guide to identify them.

        To try an locate a sketch you remember, press Control F which will show the Find Dialogue. Then type in a phrase and click the 'Find next' button example Little girl will highlight each time it finds a sketch with little girl in it.

        Quick Find Index
        Click links here to go straight there >>>>>>

        Series 1
        Series 2
        Series 3
        Series 4
        The Vido
        Number 2


        A guide to the sketches in series ONE of Absolutely

        Series 1 - Episode 1
        Now this is Radical television, I'm not even in the room, I’m still in the dressing room.
        Start credits
        Job interview - Man with comes for job interview but is faced by
        people with traits as follows a) rude and obnoxious, b) Distract you c)
        Terribly, terribly nice.
        Denzil – Doing it yourself. Wood, I am a tool.
        They wouldn’t be here for one thing, and I don’t need to tell you what that is So I won’t.
        Job interview – Bass Guitar
        Man ordering Pizza over phone says things like can you get one
        of the pizzas wrong, also can you forget the garlic bread, How many times
        should I phone you back. and what should the excuses be?
        Undertakers – Don and George arrange a burial for their landlady who dies of spontaneous combustion. Use roller-skates as a hearse.
        Song – Journey of life
        Undertakers – Don and George
        Adverts
        Undertakers – Don and George running after the roller-skate with the coffin on it.
        Then ask if they can chuck it in with someone’s coffin. A man who is buying his leg!
        Little Girl – Death
        Bert Bastard Looking through his address book and says Dead,
        Dead , dead, Deaf oh I shan't bother phoning him then.
        Adverts
        Calum Calls in on John to show him photos of his new car. John
        talks directly to the camera and explains who Calum is to the audience.
        John sells his flat to Calum for 10 pounds to get rid of him.
        Fashion show – Trouser moustache, Boler ears, Nasal Balls, Patio eye brows, Tooth sock, Car park attendant, Saggy twin set.
        Getting to work – London bridge, getting to work quickly in a group.
        Nice Family Thiz evenings viewing on Television. The Nice family
        have a problem in that the wildlife program and a drama play are on at
        the same time. And father rings up the authorities to check
        that the program is zuitable for family viewing.
        End credits

        Series 1 - Episode 2
        Missing bit?
        Valerie Jane Turpett – John stuck in a bar with woman that he can’t get rid of. ‘Just do not ask her why’, oh my god were going downstairs!
        Cinema – Woman eating popcorn really loudly, keeps asking questions. The queen has complained that your legs are sticking out. Calum then comes in to the cinema,
        Thankfully real life is not like this.
        Song – Just an ordinary guy
        Adverts
        Little girl – The Queen
        Nice family – Cubs, hamster
        Don and George – in hamster cage on swings, flashing thing in corner of tv, that means the adverts are coming there’s nothing we can do about it.
        Adverts
        Don and George – in hamster cage, Don selling trousers, Explaining the word Cantankerous. Then Don explains Restaurant. Rest a urant and rest b ur uncle.
        Death
        USA immigration desk – Man asking questions such as have you ever suffered from the following. Lard fever, butter teeth, soup rash, puddle nose, neenee, lumpybucks.
        Death
        Bert Bastard – Bert is on a rowing boat standing up behind Zimmer frame while some old woman (his wife?) moans at him, he falls off
        Denzil – You are looking very attractive today, you are what you eat, Gweneth shows him a book ‘the joy of Shelves’
        Security desk – This is my taxi
        End credits

        Series 1 - Episode 3
        Death of Herbert Blackford
        Start credits
        Shop – Queens visit, Preparing for visit. I’m the queen and I’d like to for a dump
        Don and George in the shop changing rooms talking about how people’s names came about. William Terance, Merance Gibson, Hairy Secome.
        Sunday supplements – living room filled with papers, couple trying to find different sections of the paper. Pete stuck in the middle of the papers, ring the fire brigade to rescue him.
        Fireman – working out how to get there using a world globe.
        Adverts
        Firemen – Watching footage of fire engines
        Nice family – Wash this television, letter to points of view. Why, oh why, oh why.
        Shop – Don and George leave without buying, stop that banging
        Courtroom – I’m his dentist and a clown
        Little girl – How people got in the world
        Adverts
        Bert Bastard – Making soup. Matches fall into pan, phone rings, sets on fire, gets fire extinguisher but can’t read it, chucks bucket of water over it, rings fire brigade but gets an answer machine.
        Firemen call to rescue man from Sunday supplements
        Interview with Theatre woman that’s so boring the interviewer vomits all over her.
        Hospital – Mrs Johnson’s husband has been reduced to a leg and an ear.
        Shop – Staff sing a song to welcome the Queen but then is told she’s not coming, she’s gone for a dump, Arse.

        Series 1 - Episode 4
        Start Credits
        Bank - Trouble cashing a cheque, customer recognises famous bank robbers
        Sweet shop - Boy asking how much is that , how much is that and one of them...Bye
        Vikings - Who's king ?
        Don and George - Bargains, Saving money
        The Foot theater company - Two gentlemen of Verona
        Scottish Country dancing how it came into existence
        Robbin & Annabel in the supermarket, John can't remember Robbins name
        Adverts
        Almonde and servant to the lady at the opera - Who's that man down there?
        Denzil - What are Cheese water when it are at home?
        Nice family - Christmas presents - twins want Airfix kit for the whole family
        End Credits
        Vikings - what do you think?
        End Credits

        Series 1 - Episode 5
        Start Credits
        Little Girl - In charge of people (Queen/Margaret Thatcher)
        Shop - Welsh man (what hav a got da then, pair of Shooose is it? I like touching people)
        Stoneybridge SJFA - Football Quarter Final draw which goes bad
        Businessmen having a loud conversation in a cafe
        Dancing man in trousers - humming Green sleeves
        Bad Actress with balloon
        Blokes in flat talking about being a Hippy
        Strange clothes shop with odd changing room
        The slobs in living room - Pass me the matches, there just out of reach.
        Posh people in cinema - Everything pronounced beginning with B's
        Man becoming a Beefeater
        End credits
        Iffy Salesman trying to sell Queens pooh in a jar.

        Series 1 - Episode 6
        Start Credits
        Animal rights activists – Complaining that one of the members is not doing their bit for the cause. Setting free the ice-cream etc.
        Bert Bastard – Trying to put up a deck chair on beach
        Stoneybridge – Promotional video
        Song
        Adverts
        Bert Bastard – Trying to put up a deck chair on beach
        Courtroom – Gwyn the Welshman in the dock
        Little girl – Baby Jesus and Christmas
        Calum – in the post office, do you sell stamps, Passport. Desk clerk trying to help filling in the form and Calum giving ridiculous long-winded answers.
        Adverts
        Two very shy blokes at party – Awful limp handshakes, sitting on settee
        Bert Bastard – Trying to put up a deck chair on beach
        Nice Family – Reading the morning mail, Electricity bill is 1 unit higher than it should be. Parking fine.
        Bloke joining the Salvation Army, learning how to get donations in a military maneuver. Turns into a brawl in street and chase across sea and onto beach where Bert Bastard is submerged under water in deck chair.
        End Credits



        A guide to the sketches in series TWO of Absolutely

        Series 2 - Episode 1
        Start Credits
        I'm OK Thank you very much - Street protesting that we are ok thank you very much
        Don and George buying wallpaper - Its too near. (welsh man with a twitch near shop)
        Doctor - I've got a library book up my arse and its due back tomorrow
        Don and George buying wallpaper, 'it's ok but its too near'
        Office board meeting - Violence, smashing up stuff (stunt doubles)
        Adverts
        Putting children to use - Bank robbery, Golf, Tennis, gardening
        Welsh man with a twitch - My dad was a kid, but he couldn't keep it up.
        Docherty and Sparkes - Partings that's how you get on in life.
        Lady taking a driving test - trying to identify road signs
        Ransom tape - in the mean time here is some music
        Don and George buying a settee
        Welsh man with a twitch - Don't wear open toed sandals
        Securtiy guard - Postcard will be blown up
        Adverts
        Queen inspecting her troops
        Dinner party - Pass on my love, yes please give my regards etc etc
        Welsh man - A matress is ok but I prefer a cigarette
        Little girl - Mum having a baby
        Nice family - Booking a holiday, The father goes mad and jumps through the wall
        End credits


        Series 2 - Episode 2
        Start credits
        Calum Gilhooley – Jehovah witness. Selling them suzuki 350 manual
        The great Thinko
        Shop kid – kids go mad is shop, owner was making a sign ony two schoolchildren at a time.
        Calum Gilhooley – photos of things that have not come out
        Man that says what he thinks – baby, speeding, child painting, parents will die, Taxi driver.
        Life support - Jack visiting and visit by Calum
        Calum in street being punched by Jack
        Adverts
        Jehovah witness try to offer Suzuki manual to Mr Perkins
        Mr Perkins meets Mr Perkins for a meeting
        Calum – I don’t live here
        Police call at house - Spurs lost to Everton, woman at work does not like you, wife mentioned this in suicide note.
        Nuns – Catwalk priests in novelty pants
        Mr Perkins phones Mr Perkins – Would you like to see me naked
        Artist – Painting nude male model, do you find me attractive, like a volcano
        Mr Perkins & Mr Perkins – Everything Perkin
        Adverts
        DIY Denzil – Gywneth swarming and having a baby
        Woman in red coat - I wanna have a baby and I want it now
        Calum – At train station showing photos
        Don and George – Donald goes out for Croissants but goes to all the wrong shops.
        End Credits

        Series 2 - Episode 3
        Start Credits
        Disease of the week – Thrumble nose
        Don & George – Dons trip to London
        Tour Guide – Ending in wardrobe
        What do fish talk about – Microphone to hear fish, Arsenal fans, Cows, Cow pats
        Shop keepers – teaching kids football end with the kid running off with ball
        Adverts
        Pub – Macglashan and agent, The Scots invented everything.
        Army – Take them by surprise with Antique Chippendale furniture
        Pub – Macglashan youre an English poof
        Little Girl – How the telephone works
        Pub – Macglashan Bananas invented by the Scots
        Adverts
        Frogs singing
        Sensible Hair song.
        Hairdresser – Hair for mice
        Tour guide
        Airport – Security man, Macglashan
        Tour guide in changing rooms
        Squash changing rooms – discussing Lawyers with ridiculously long names
        Start the bidding at £10 to not hear 7 other company names
        End Credits

        Series 2 - Episode 4
        Start Credits
        Peter& Jennifer Wells - Kenyan baby called Jeffrey
        Stoneybridge – 1996 Olympic games promotional video
        Welsh man – Noun and verbs
        Press release – Translation problems in Bible
        Welsh man – Just having a look man, Buttocks
        Piano man – Clever song
        Adverts
        Bert Bastard – Eating dinner
        Fun as a Nun
        Wardrobe – Dangerous things cab be dangerous
        Piano man – I’m wearing trousers
        Welsh man – Too hard for an anaesthetic
        Little Girl – Dentist
        Piano man – Good looking
        Dinner party – Affair
        Piano man – Andante
        Vets waiting room – Have you got a damp cloth
        Paino man – Making sounds
        Adverts
        Robin and Annabel – reminiscing about when they met
        Calum – Rings John, My answering of the phone in no way constitutes an agreement to meet you for a drink.
        Robin and Annabel – Picnic and singing
        Calum and John - In pub, barman using PA system “the tart in the red dress too much makeup”. Michael Grade walks in on set during filming.
        End Credits

        Series 2 - Episode 5
        Start Credits
        Frank – Two woman obsessed by an ordinary man. He arrives on the train and is hunted down by them. They end up camping out on his front lawn. They have a 45 single with “just blinking get out of it please” repeating over and over.
        Alarm clock – Man wakes up to alarm but cannot stop the alarm despite cutting it in half.
        Denzil – wine
        Sleeping man in pyjamas, Welsh man ‘I’m very unpredictable’
        Man eating finder nails in waiting room, then eats his fingers
        Adverts
        Sleeping man
        Main being eaten by woman in waiting room.
        Don and George at hotel, just across from their house.
        Waiting room Man almost completely eaten, just head left.
        Out parents – All the cast talk about their childhoods with their parents.
        Don and George in hotel
        Adverts
        Train station – Sleeping man gets off train and into car
        Don and George in hotel
        Sleeping man gets out of car
        Western – Man doing voiceovers for film
        Little girl – Lies
        Baby Christening – Name is very long collection of football legends
        Courtroom – Man in docks starts gargling theme tunes
        Song – Suit song, animated song about wearing a suit.
        Sleeping man arrives at his mums ‘is my bed made up, I fancy a kip’
        End credits

        Series 2 - Episode 6
        Start credits
        Denzils – Illtyd (his brother) comes for dinner, he brings a bunch of sprouts.
        I’m the shortest link in the world
        John in restaurant – Ladies first, Keeps coming back and apologising for saying things that could be taken the wrong way.
        Little Girl – Aeroplanes
        Nice Family – Go for a drive in Morris traveller.
        Adverts
        Courtroom – Baby in the dock.
        John – And we didn’t mean this.
        Man in pub talking to sheep dog.
        John – And we didn’t mean this.
        Western bar
        Surgeons - signing All things bright and beautiful
        Dog in pub trying to remember how the song went.
        Adverts
        Bert Bastard – Playing game called Arse, I’m 82 you know.
        Don and George – Eating soup, it’s a bit, trying to explain whats not right about the soup.
        Model – Putting on makeup saying With clever use of makeup I’m surprised more girls aren’t models these days.
        Stoneybridge – Promotional video to try and get twinning with another town.
        End Credits

        Series 2 - Episode 7
        Western bar – Everyone hops around
        Start credits
        Wardrobe – The ancient art of Wako-taki
        Man walking through park saying "Where Bowls do Roll and Bowly bowl" and I’m not here man – Ladies Ladies Ladies
        Bowling club AGM
        Shop keeper and boy – Boy sees man may be committing suicide, Then bothers the shop keeper who is fishing with 'what’s that, what’s that, what’s that got any Pepsi?'
        Adverts
        I’m not here man
        Man with Diaries - Bald, Bald
        I’m not here man – Bald, wiggy
        Adolescent girl - Poets
        I’m not here man saying more gibberish.
        Meeting – How to get ladies. With group of strange people – Fashion expert, strong and silent type, conversation expert, Clinton moves in an interesting fashion. Guest speakers Wilmalena, Calum
        Adverts
        Robbin & Annabels wedding, John can’t remember names
        Car mechanics – Various mechanics that don’t have a clue about what’s wrong with the car.
        Meeting – How to get the ladies continues
        Nice family – The children come home early from Sunday school to find father dressed in bondage gear. He then tries to explain who Mr Louve Pump and Mr Beach Quan are. These two fictitious characters then turn up for tea !
        End credits

        Series 2 - Episode 8
        Casting - Were looking for a man to play part of man in sketch.
        Start credits
        Old peoples home – Magazine interviewer trying to get stories from old people. Ends with old people throwing food on interviewer.
        Wardrobe – relationship with camera
        Art gallery – three strange artists exhibiting their work
        Don and George – bookcase full of cleaners, its just a sausage, Two ladies come to dinner.
        Adverts
        Little girl – How Buildings get there.
        Business man - Man with lots of ringing phones
        Don and George – Talking to the two ladies Agnes and Deloris.
        Adverts
        Bert Bastard – Reading his suicide note, swallows his last 1st class stamp and drops letter behind unit.
        Courtroom – Calum in the dock, John accuses him of boring him to death.
        Song – In the style of ‘Simple Minds Belfast child’
        End credits



        A guide to the sketches in series THREE of Absolutely

        Series 3 - Episode 1
        Start credits
        Calum – on Aeroplane
        Wellses – Writing to Political prisoner
        Bert Bastart – Sports day, 100m, long jump, Javlin, longjump, sack race, cup of tea.
        Don and George – Police interrogation Nice and Nasty.
        Adverts
        Stoneybridge – Vido
        Little Girl – Doctors
        McGlashan – Hurly Burly bag
        Bad morning - Animated face
        McGlashan – Englands Border with Scotland, Mcglashan rides up to Englands border and shouts "Pooooooooofffffffffffffsssssssss" to an empty street then gets on his bike and rides back into Scotland.
        End Credits

        Series 3 - Episode 2
        Start credits
        Don and George – Don misses his Dr’s appointment, George gives him a medical.
        Really Very Bad Swimmers Indeed
        Man being woken up by people getting revenge for Car Alarm going off.
        Denzil – Welsh institute of wood, Denzils suit has a sleeve sown onto the front of the trousers.
        Tour Guide
        Clive Merson – A dead man being used to make money for charity.
        Adverts
        Man in restaurant – Ordering food such as Pizza Fish, Veal Lobster.
        Welsh man and others witness Lobster being run over by car.
        Woman trying to get into nightclub.
        Song by blokes in jumpers - System Analysts by day.
        Frank Hovis – Caught short in a Taxi
        Plumbers – I can’t take it anymore.
        End Credits

        Series 3 - Episode 3
        Start credits
        Wellses – Getting ready for visitors, making place look suitable only to end up making out that they are not in.
        Calum – Booking a flight to New York
        Bert Bastard – Goes shopping at the supermarket
        Song – Birth, death
        Adverts
        Jeff the Parkie – Board Meeting
        Model
        Don and George – Don picking up Satellite television.
        Posh couple – Binkinikineeny, European, Baguette
        Don and George – mirror showing previous owners
        Stoneybridge – Elections
        End Credits

        Series 3 - Episode 4
        Start credits
        Denzil – Gwenedd smoking pipe, Denzil reading wallpaper book, Why do a hoover suck
        Piano man
        Séance – hello Kevin
        Frank Hovis – Greek island called Anus, Anus in the sun.
        Vets waiting room – Man singing tunes otherman annoyed as he heard them before adverts used them.
        Wedding Preparations – Bride panicking, something old something new and something completely hideous around the neckline.
        Piano
        Wedding video – Bizarre rock type video viewed by all the family, ‘How can you be bothered to be bothered about that’
        Restaurant – Man not allowed to use it until he has his Orange underpants painted white.
        Piano man under water.
        Hotel – Pre-warming bed for guest by sleeping in it.
        Poets at funeral talking about one of us dying.
        Hotel – Burglar hovering room.
        Police in playground – on swings and seesaw, knocking off each others helmets.
        Police siege on house where burglar is doing the washing up. Long talk about how long to allow to get in the house. ‘Give me 5 mins, no make it 3 mins. oh hang on how many rooms were there’ etc etc.
        End credits

        Series 3 - Episode 5
        Start Credits
        Charity shop – Little Tartan drummer girl in a tube. Customer loves everything in the shop and buys it all.
        Braid Scots – Simple phrases ‘oh it will na bee’
        Singing man
        Stoneybridge – Meeting to arrange Independent Television franchise
        Singing man
        Calum – Opinion poll, ‘If there was an election tomorrow who would you vote for’
        Singing man
        Bert Bastard – Over 80’s disco, Shall I have a birth?, My gentlemen is well thumbed by the end, Stimulate her Clematis.
        Singing man
        Adverts
        Nice family – Football, suggestion to the FA about how it should be played
        Little Girl – School
        Hospital – Has the Donor accepted Jesus into his heart?
        Denzil – Illtyd (Denzils brother) comes around, he brings a carburettor from a Ford Escort, She wears Chicken skin shoes. Welsh unarmed hitting.
        McGlashan – Oil, Iraq, South Africa. McMinn sacks him
        People quietly walking by man in street to avoid giving money
        McGlashan – New England map, McMinn tied up.
        End Credits

        Series 3 - Episode 6
        Start Credits
        News & sport – McGlashan reading the news
        Denzil – Phlegm Lovely beer, gas leak, Gavin (Denzils son) turns up, Pigs nerves, I married the most repulsive woman in Swansea.
        Piano man in restaurant
        Plane – Do you think I’m bald?, How bald, slap heads, fat arse.
        Frank Hovis – Pubic hair, Tupperware
        Adverts
        Mad Woman - I cut my own hair
        Courtroom – World champions, Argument about American world champions only playing against Americans.
        Animated music video – Party
        Pen pal
        Don and George – Shop ‘I’m not your wife’, Matches, newspaper, wine gums, milk, vegetable fight, counter. George stands in the audience.
        Mad woman – Make your own clothes
        Elvis fan club meeting in living room
        Denzil – Dancing in living room
        Elvis meeting
        End Credits

        Series 3 - Episode 7
        Start credits
        Wellses – taking stuff to charity shop such as paper & used water
        Stoneybridge – Selecting Celebrity to open the Jamboree
        Environmental song
        Frank Hovis – Penis flytrap
        Adverts
        Don and George – playing ‘George – You’re simply the best’
        Bert Bastard – In Zimmer frame in bathroom trying to do Oke coky, you put your left foot in…..
        Victoria and Albert museum is empty because its run by my Mum.
        Calum – Bringing videos back to Shop based on the titles of the films
        Little Girl – Family
        Tracing family tree – All your ancestors are dead. Sketch deteriorates as it becomes apparent that it’s a set with props.
        End Credits

        Series 3 - Episode 8
        Start credits
        Wellses – Box of stuff
        Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
        Train station – Man preaching to no one, Look nobody is listening to you!
        Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
        Black and white clip of person slipping on banana skin, people laughing.
        Billy – In bedroom
        Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance including Frank Hovis drunk singing
        Mime artists in black T-shirts
        Meeting in car park doing a deal.
        Edwardian musician playing to group of people
        Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
        Don and George – The Broons
        Woman writing complaint letter to TV
        Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
        End Credits



        A guide to the sketches in series FOUR of Absolutely

        Series 4 - Episode 1
        Start Credits
        McGlashan – Newspaper in pub with McMinn
        Laughing man – On tractor
        Calum – In operating theatre, out of anorak experience
        Bert Bastard – World atlas ‘it cost the lives of millions but it didn’t cost me a penny cus I kept me old atlas’
        Laughing man – car stickers
        Little girl – Old people
        Dressage – Not with horses!
        Adverts
        Photographer – Strange woman taking photos in her studio.
        Frank Hovis – I wet the bed, ‘it brought down the ceiling of the room below’, running for a bus.
        Piano man – in restaurant playing piano and also preparing food.
        Don and George – I’m off to work, employment, Job, profession, my post. ‘It’s like a big errand.’
        Laughing man
        Nice family – Father looses control, asking the kids to help mother with the tea.
        End credits

        Series 4 - Episode 2
        Start Credits
        Stoneybridge – Bruce’s wedding and stag night, Dirty vido, Stripper.
        Wells’es – Fostering a child
        Surgeons – Repairing bike tyre puncture
        Office – Odd couple exchanging phrases – Chocolate suggestive, good morning vicar
        Welsh man – Having a shave with cut throat razor.
        Golf – Cyberman versus Thor (god of thunder)
        Adverts
        Song – Hello
        Denzil – Denzil is ill he has Llandudno neck
        Piano man
        Tour guide – Blenheim Palace
        Wedding dress – Not enough frills
        End credits

        Series 4 - Episode 3
        Start Credits
        Posh couple – in kitchen preparing dinner
        Laughing man – pub
        Don and George – Calling at mans door. ‘We are not selling anything’
        Song – It’s my packed lunch song
        Don and George – Inside mans doorway
        Frank Hovis – Lip salve, bath, poo filled trousers
        Laughing man – pub
        Adverts
        Bert Bastard – Mobility scooter, car wash, canal, motorway, on luggage conveyer, ends up riding off into sunset with spanish woman on the front of scooter.
        Quiz show hostess – Thick woman saying how hard it is to present.
        Nice family – The facts of life. Father says ‘people get married and have babies’. The kids ask a series of awkward questions and father answers all with ridiculous answers about pensions and mortgages.
        Surgeons – Operations with bits left over
        Laughing man – in pub
        Lady Camilla - deportment classes, pencil, getting into a car
        End credits

        Series 4 - Episode 4
        Start Credits
        Denzil – Gweneth gets stuck in the Hoover
        Song – Getting older, fatter
        Calum – Bookshop, Calum looks around shop while John tries to avoid him. Hiding face in book ‘History of the Honda 350’
        Calum chases him around town, and to the end of the Earth.
        Little girl – Trains ‘inter tity 12567’
        Adverts
        Wells’es – Greentours holiday
        Naughty kids – Smoking in car, lets go up the hospical
        Mr Wiggy – Icecream van dispensing hair to four bald men
        Stoneybridge – Independence for Stoneybridge Bruceland.
        Laughing man – lousy T-shirt
        Stoneybridge – war between bruceland and the other side of the room
        End Credits

        Series 4 - Episode 5
        Start Credits
        Nice family – The type of people to avoid. Football hooligan, Hooker, Drugie.
        Looking for a good time boys, Yes please!, To the radio gram
        Woman in wardrobe – I did all the correct things in the correct order.
        Fish attacking man, police in river, fish handcuffed to policeman
        Wells’es – Soup kitchen collection
        Welsh man – Teeth, on you go
        Adverts
        Tour guide – on coach
        Surgeons – Operation in the street
        Don and George – Washing vegetables in sink, George buy a car and goes for a drive in the living room but hits a wasp (cyclist) as he was going too fast (1/2 mile and hour)
        Naughty kids – Go up the arcade.
        Frank Hovis – Hotel kaka poo poo, Number two on the menu, sticky toffee pudding.
        Song – Bank holiday
        End credits

        Series 4 - Episode 6
        Start Credits
        Don and George – Savings, the best things in life are free, vat man
        Cartoon – Schedule d man
        Welshman – Modern is it, buys sellotape
        Don and George – Georgeman and Donan superheroes (to avoid paying tax)
        Bert Bastard – Filing false teeth, making a cup of tea
        Posh couple – waking up and getting ready
        Bert Bastard – Go ahead cheese and biscuits make my day
        Piano man – in garden, being depressed
        Adverts
        Little girl – Government
        Calum – Giving directions to halfway tavern
        Frank Hovis – Farting, Farting and more farting, does not say anything!
        Stoneybridge – Music video
        End credits



        A guide to the sketches in Absolutely "the Vido"

        Stoneybridge – Promotional video
        Start Credits
        Don & George – Medical
        Little Girl – When your mum has a baby
        Song – Simple minds style
        McGlashan – Hurly Burly bag
        Queen inspecting solders in bearskins
        Calum – Flight booking to New York
        Song – Glasses
        Partings
        Putting children to use
        Frank Hovis – Taxi
        Don and George – Nice and Nasty
        Stoneybridge – Promotional video
        Don and George – Nice and Nasty cont
        Artist – Filthy old lady painting nude male model
        Surgeons dancing
        Nice Family – This evening television viewing
        Sensible hair song
        Denzil – Gwyneth’s birthday
        Solicitor’s names
        Little Girl – Dentist
        Bert Bastard – Sports day
        Wellses
        Song - The suit song
        Frank Hovis – Hotel ka ka poo poo
        Resturant – Pizza fish, Lobster
        Callum – Jehovah’s witnesses
        Tracing family tree – All your ancestors are dead. Sketch deteriorates as it becomes apparent that it’s a set with props.
        End credits


        A guide to the sketches in Absolutely Number 2

        Start Credits
        I'm OK Thankyou very much - Street protesting that we are ok thankyou very much, but wouldn't say no to a blender.
        Bert Bastard – Eating dinner, peas go onto floor with lots of previously dropped food. "were all very clean at the day centre, they cleaned one old man to death"
        Man singing the 'Journey of Life' song
        Little Girl - Doctors
        Calum – in the post office, do you sell stamps, Passport. Desk clerk trying to help filling in the form and Calum giving ridiculous long-winded answers.
        Bert Bastard – In Zimmer frame in bathroom trying to do Oke coky, you put your left foot in.
        Don and George buying wallpaper - Its too near.
        Doctor - I've got a libary book up my arse and its due back tomorrow
        The death song.
        Stoneybridge Council - Election
        Piano man - I can do anything song
        Denzil - Loft, Cellar, 17 years pregnant.
        Piano man - Strange sounds from his piano
        Bride - Wedding Preparations – Bride panicking, something old something new and something completely hideous around the neckline, Dady
        Hospital – Has the Donor accepted Jesus into his heart?
        Wedding video – Bizarre rock type video viewed by all the family, ‘How can you be bothered to be bothered about that’
        Pub – Macglashan and agent, The Scots invented everything.
        Denzil - Illtyd (his brother) comes for dinner, he brings a bunch of sprouts.
        Calum in court - Charged with harasment of John.
        Little Girl - Family
        Wellses – Writing to Political prisoner,
        "What sort of records do you like? Our current favourites are “Gracelands” by Paul Simon, Johnny Clegg and his Sambucca.” Peter says “Oh, well done Jennifer. He’ll be out by Monday”
        Piano Man - Smug and Cheesy playing is restaurant
        Shop keeper and boy - How much is that and one of those.
        Don and George – Donald goes out for Croissants but goes to all the wrong shops.
        Denzil - Dancing
        Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
        Tour Guide
        Microphone to hear singing fish
        Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance including Frank Hovis drunk singing.
        Edwardian musician playing to group of people
        Stoneybridge – Annual dinner dance
        Posh couple – Binkinikineeny, European, Baguette
        End credits

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